Twilight

 

This is really old hat, but it still makes me chuckle:

If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight…

Some of my favourites include:

Lewis Carroll: Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.

Kate Chopin: Stifled by her marriage to Edward, Bella has an affair with Jacob and then drowns herself.

Flannery O'Connor: When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic.

There was also the following snippet doing the rounds on Facebook, thanks to Gregory Mahan:

TYPE YOUR NAME: Greg

TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR ELBOW: ghrtregh

TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN: hdrdrgfsfeswhn

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SMASH YOUR FACE INTO THE KEYBOARD: About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

If you'd like to get your fangs into some no-frills, no-nonsense, public sector vampirism, check out Jane Lovering's Vampire State of Mind.